Mom translations:
"It's broken." = "I took the batteries out because I couldn't stand 'the itsy bitsy spider' one more time."
"It must be lost." = "You outgrew that princess dress two years ago."
"I don't know where it is." = "I don't know where it is. It could be in any number of land fills by now."
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Wait...what?
So, today I get a regular ol' notice from my health insurance. Slipped in with the invoice is this note: "Can you read this letter? If not, we can have somebody help you read it."
Thursday, April 23, 2009
What's up, Doc?
I am really glad that some people want to be doctors. I am even more glad that some people are really good at it. But there are some questions I get asked at doctor's offices that you'd think someone with a medical degree could answer by themselves.
So, I'm sitting in the waiting room, red eyes, sneezing all over the person next to me (who now has whatever I do), looking like a zombie, and talking like a got a nose full of marbles. The nurse comes and escorts me to my room, but not before asking me the same question the doctor will when she walks into the room, "How are you, today?"
Then I get to step on a scale. You know, the one that says your 20 pounds more over weight than you should be, and ten pounds more over weight than your scale at home said you were, while the nurse hovers over your taking down the numbers and asking, "How tall are you, again?" I step down from the scale and sit down in a room next to the secure trash can for bio hazard and the one for sharp pointed objects, and the purple glove dispenser to get my blood pressure checked. When the numbers come up, the doctor wants to know, "Your blood pressure is kind of high. Are you nervous about something?"
I also don't know why the make the nurses ask the same questions the doctor is going to come in and ask you again. I see her write down my answers, (at least I think that's what she's writing) and the doctor has the same clipboard when she comes into the room, but she asks me the questions again anyway.
"No, I'm still not allergic to any medications."
"No, I haven't thrown up since the nurse left."
"No, I haven't taken up smoking in the last ten minutes." Though I might be able to see why'd they'd have to ask that!
So, I'm sitting in the waiting room, red eyes, sneezing all over the person next to me (who now has whatever I do), looking like a zombie, and talking like a got a nose full of marbles. The nurse comes and escorts me to my room, but not before asking me the same question the doctor will when she walks into the room, "How are you, today?"
Then I get to step on a scale. You know, the one that says your 20 pounds more over weight than you should be, and ten pounds more over weight than your scale at home said you were, while the nurse hovers over your taking down the numbers and asking, "How tall are you, again?" I step down from the scale and sit down in a room next to the secure trash can for bio hazard and the one for sharp pointed objects, and the purple glove dispenser to get my blood pressure checked. When the numbers come up, the doctor wants to know, "Your blood pressure is kind of high. Are you nervous about something?"
I also don't know why the make the nurses ask the same questions the doctor is going to come in and ask you again. I see her write down my answers, (at least I think that's what she's writing) and the doctor has the same clipboard when she comes into the room, but she asks me the questions again anyway.
"No, I'm still not allergic to any medications."
"No, I haven't thrown up since the nurse left."
"No, I haven't taken up smoking in the last ten minutes." Though I might be able to see why'd they'd have to ask that!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Joke of the Day
A Joke courtesy of my cousin: "What's the difference between broccoli and boogers?" "Kids won't eat broccoli."
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Wait...how do you flip a pancake again?
I love commercials for little gadgets that will make my life easier. (I know I'm contradicting my profile, but these commercials are darn funny!) Here is one of my own:
Narrator: Going to get your mail is such a hassle.
Woman walks out of house carrying her brief case, car keys, cell phone, purse, and filing cabinet. While walking down the two steps from her porch she trips and everything lands on the ground. She shakes her head in frustration, climbs over her pile of things she needs with her to check the mail, scraping her foot in the process, and finally makes it to the mail box. When she gets there, the door is stuck and she has to yank on it three or four time to get it to open. When she finally does get it open the mail (consisting of three packages, a newspaper, various envelopes, and a filing cabinent) flies out onto the ground. The envelopes start blowing away, while the woman's dog (who just entered the picture) starts eating one of the packages. As she chases after her mail we hear:
Narrator: Don't let this ever happen to you again! Get MAILTOME!
Unfrazzeled women standing at mailbox with a box that has two hair cilps attached to the side with yarn. Women attaches clips to the side of the mailbox and pulls. Mail falls into box.
Narrator: With MAILTOME, you will never have trouble getting the mail again. Say goodbye to flying mail. Only $19.95! plus 10.95 shipping and handling. Act now and you will recieve, not one but two MAILTOMEs. As a special offer, call in the next ten minutes and you will get this sturdy three inch flashlight for those late night mail runs. Call now!
What do you guys think?
*Disclaimer* MAILTOME is not a real product. I just made it up. But if anyone makes it after this and gets rich, I'll be pretty put out. But I may buy one for those really windy days.*
Narrator: Going to get your mail is such a hassle.
Woman walks out of house carrying her brief case, car keys, cell phone, purse, and filing cabinet. While walking down the two steps from her porch she trips and everything lands on the ground. She shakes her head in frustration, climbs over her pile of things she needs with her to check the mail, scraping her foot in the process, and finally makes it to the mail box. When she gets there, the door is stuck and she has to yank on it three or four time to get it to open. When she finally does get it open the mail (consisting of three packages, a newspaper, various envelopes, and a filing cabinent) flies out onto the ground. The envelopes start blowing away, while the woman's dog (who just entered the picture) starts eating one of the packages. As she chases after her mail we hear:
Narrator: Don't let this ever happen to you again! Get MAILTOME!
Unfrazzeled women standing at mailbox with a box that has two hair cilps attached to the side with yarn. Women attaches clips to the side of the mailbox and pulls. Mail falls into box.
Narrator: With MAILTOME, you will never have trouble getting the mail again. Say goodbye to flying mail. Only $19.95! plus 10.95 shipping and handling. Act now and you will recieve, not one but two MAILTOMEs. As a special offer, call in the next ten minutes and you will get this sturdy three inch flashlight for those late night mail runs. Call now!
What do you guys think?
*Disclaimer* MAILTOME is not a real product. I just made it up. But if anyone makes it after this and gets rich, I'll be pretty put out. But I may buy one for those really windy days.*
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Things we never thought we'd say...Part 1
My friends, family, and I have an on going list of things we never thought we'd say...and then we became parents. You guys out there in blogland got any good ones?
1. Why are you licking my to do list?
2. Don't put the dinosaur down your dress.
3. Don't flush it yet.
4. Don't sit on your brother until after I am done changing him.
5. Don't chew on Daddy's feet.
6. Swiper, no swiping!
7. Get out of the microwave.
8. Don't lick me!
9. That was a big bite, give it back.
10. "Where's the computer, dear?" - "In the hamper."
11. Get out of the toilet!
12. Put it in your mouth, not on the floor.
13. Pick up all the butterflies and put them in the elephant before your sister eats them.
14. It's just a pea, you're not going to die, swallow it.
15. Ok, you can have Mud.
16. That celery has bolts in its neck.
17. Go poop in your potty and then call me.
18. Put down your toast and we'll have some ice cream.
19. Ugh! I don't want that up my nose!
20. Get the snake out of your mouth.
21. Eat the goldfish, dude.
22. Quit hiding from the TV.
23. Don't brush the door.
24. Don't run off with the bone.
25. Don't hit him with a spoon.
26. It's okay. She's eating her silverware.
27. You better eat them before they stop moving.
28. I think Belle is poopy.
29. Why are you chewing on the pliers?
30. Don't put your hands under your butt.
31. Don't eat the baby.
32. What's your toothbrush doing in your ear?
33. Don't put that in your pants.
34. Don't swing on the light fixtures.
35. Are you playing in the toilet in the poop?
36. Because I said so.
37. Can you hand me that arm?
38. When the Do-do's go extinct - it will be time for bed.
One last thought for this post - there are only two species on earth that sniff butts - dogs and parents.
1. Why are you licking my to do list?
2. Don't put the dinosaur down your dress.
3. Don't flush it yet.
4. Don't sit on your brother until after I am done changing him.
5. Don't chew on Daddy's feet.
6. Swiper, no swiping!
7. Get out of the microwave.
8. Don't lick me!
9. That was a big bite, give it back.
10. "Where's the computer, dear?" - "In the hamper."
11. Get out of the toilet!
12. Put it in your mouth, not on the floor.
13. Pick up all the butterflies and put them in the elephant before your sister eats them.
14. It's just a pea, you're not going to die, swallow it.
15. Ok, you can have Mud.
16. That celery has bolts in its neck.
17. Go poop in your potty and then call me.
18. Put down your toast and we'll have some ice cream.
19. Ugh! I don't want that up my nose!
20. Get the snake out of your mouth.
21. Eat the goldfish, dude.
22. Quit hiding from the TV.
23. Don't brush the door.
24. Don't run off with the bone.
25. Don't hit him with a spoon.
26. It's okay. She's eating her silverware.
27. You better eat them before they stop moving.
28. I think Belle is poopy.
29. Why are you chewing on the pliers?
30. Don't put your hands under your butt.
31. Don't eat the baby.
32. What's your toothbrush doing in your ear?
33. Don't put that in your pants.
34. Don't swing on the light fixtures.
35. Are you playing in the toilet in the poop?
36. Because I said so.
37. Can you hand me that arm?
38. When the Do-do's go extinct - it will be time for bed.
One last thought for this post - there are only two species on earth that sniff butts - dogs and parents.
Why?
I was looking through some of my old writing, and found this from a couple years ago. It still applies.
We all know a two year old's favorite word is, "why?" I think that they might have something there and I have a few why's of my own.
Why did it take less time for my daughter to go from conception to eating solids than its taking me to put pictures in her baby book?
Why does having an adorable baby (or a pregnant stomach) give people in the grocery store permission to touch it?
Why do kids have a sixth sense for when their moms (or dads) are almost relaxed.
Why did I get a nice crib, bumper, sheets and crib toys when my daughter refuses to sleep in her own bed for more than three hours straight?
Why do teeny tiny baby clothes cost as much as big fat Mama clothes?
Why am I typing this when I have a pile of laundry and dishes to do?
We all know a two year old's favorite word is, "why?" I think that they might have something there and I have a few why's of my own.
Why did it take less time for my daughter to go from conception to eating solids than its taking me to put pictures in her baby book?
Why does having an adorable baby (or a pregnant stomach) give people in the grocery store permission to touch it?
Why do kids have a sixth sense for when their moms (or dads) are almost relaxed.
Why did I get a nice crib, bumper, sheets and crib toys when my daughter refuses to sleep in her own bed for more than three hours straight?
Why do teeny tiny baby clothes cost as much as big fat Mama clothes?
Why am I typing this when I have a pile of laundry and dishes to do?
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