HAMlet

For fans of Shakespeare, those trying to understand what in the world the first act of Hamlet is talking about, or both.

I wrote this 10 years ago for an English class. If you can't tell, we'd been studying Hamlet. If it had not been for a class, I may have wrote it a little differently, but such as it is, I rewrote every line in the first act of Shakespeare's version. It's funnier if you have the real version next to it. Hope you enjoy!

Hamlet Act 1: a revision
My advanced apologies to Shakespeare

Characters
Bernardo, A Guard of Denmark
Francisco, Another Guard of Denmark
Marcellus, Yet Another Guard of Denmark
Claudis, The new King of Denmark, Smiling Villain
Hamlet, Long-winded son of the former and nephew of the present king
Polonius, Lord Chamberlain, father of Laertes and Ophelia
Horatio, Friend of Hamlet
Laertes, Son of Polonius, Brother of Ophelia
Ophelia, Daughter of Polonius, Love interest of Hamlet
Gertrude, Queen of Denmark and virtuous suspected accomplice to murder, Mother of Hamlet
Ghost, Spirit of Hamlet, Sr. (Almost equally long-winded)

Scene 1
A platform before the castle.
(Francisco at his post. Enter Bernardo.)

Bernardo: Who's there?
Francisco: First tell me who you are.
Bernardo: Long live the king!
Francisco: Is that you, Bernardo?
Bernardo: Yep.
Francisco: You're on time.
Bernardo: It's 12:00, go to bed. Have you seen anything tonight?
Francisco: Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse.
Bernardo: Good. If you see Marcellus and Horatio tell them to hurry up.
Francisco: Here they come now.

(Exit Francisco, Enter Horatio and Marcellus)

Bernardo: Hey guys, what's up?
Marcellus: Long live the king! Has you-know-what shown up yet tonight?
Bernardo: I haven't seen anything.
Marcellus: Horatio thinks we're bonkers. I told him we've seen the thing twice, and he won't believe me, so I told him to come see for himself.
Horatio: I can't believe you talked me into this. You're all a bunch of nuts. Nothing's going to appear.
Marcellus: Be quiet, here it comes!

(Enter Ghost)

Bernardo: It looks just like the dead king.
Marcellus: You went to college, Horatio, you talk to it.
Bernardo: It looks just like the dead king.
Horatio: This is creepy.
Marcellus: Say something to it, Horatio.
Horatio: Uh...thing that looks like the king we already buried...whatever you are, I command you to speak!
Marcellus: Great, now you insulted it.
Horatio: Wait! Come back! Say something!

(Exit Ghost)

Bernardo: What's wrong, Horatio? You look like you've seen a ghost or something. Do you believe us now?
Horatio: That was creepy. We've got to tell Hamlet. Maybe the ghost will talk to him.

Scene 2
A room in the castle.
(Enter the King, Queen, Hamlet, Laertes and Attendants.)

King: What do you want, Laertes?
Laertes: The wedding's over. Can I go back to France now?
King: Did your Dad say it was alright?
Laertes: After I begged him.
King: Sure then, why not?
Laertes: Thanks. See you later.

(Exit Laertes)

King: Ok, now what do you want, Hamlet my nephew and son? Are you still under the weather?
Hamlet: Just a little too much sun.
Queen: Hamlet stop being so gloomy, everything's got to die sometime, so why cry about it? You shouldn't wear those mourning clothes anymore.
Hamlet: It doesn't matter how many black clothes I put on, how many coats of black, or dark suits, or tears I cry, or any other grievous thing that I do, something inside me takes much longer to pass than all the signs of mourning.
King: Ok, well, that's nice Hamlet.
Queen: Anyway, why don't you stay with us instead of going back to school?
Hamlet: Yeah, ok.

(Exit all but Hamlet)

Hamlet: Oh what an awful life I have! Why can't I just melt into a puddle of slime and go oozing down into the gutter? This world is nothing but a garden that grows nothing but weeds. And I'm not talking dandelions, either. No! I'm talking about those sticky, poking, stinging kind of weeds. That world should come to this! My father, who was the most excellent king, has only been dead for 2 months. No, not even that long! And my mother didn't even have time to buy new shoes in between his funeral and her wedding to his brother. And if that guy's anything like my dad, then I'm Hercules. This really makes me mad, but I don't say a word.

(Enter Horatio, Marcellus, and Bernardo)

Horatio: Hamlet! Long time no see! Hey guess what! Have I got some wacky news for you!
Hamlet: Horatio, right? What's the news?
Horatio: We saw a ghost that looked just like your dad! No kidding! But he wouldn't talk to us.
Hamlet: Are you sure? What did he look like? Was he armed? Was he happy or sad? Was he pale or red? Did he look at you? What did his beard look like? How long did he stay? I'll come to watch tonight and see him for myself.
Horatio: Yeah, why don't you do that.

Scene 3
A room in Polonius' house.
(Enter Laertes and Opelia)

Laertes: I'm going back to school now. But I have to talk to you first, Sis.
Ophelia: What?
Laertes: It's about that Hamlet guy. He's just messing around with you. You know that, right? It's no more than flirting.
Ophelia: No more?
Laertes: Well, maybe he likes you now, but he is the prince, you know. He can't just go marrying any girl who's foot fits in a glass slipper. When he's king he'll dump you quick. Just be careful.
Ophelia: I'll keep that in mind. But keep a little of your own advice. Don't goof around too much up there at college.
Laertes: Don't worry about me. Oh great, I've stayed too long. Now Dad's coming.

(Enter Polonius)

Polonius: Oh, here's my only son off to college. Here's my blessing for you! Don't talk too much, keep good friends, but don't go doing favors for just anyone, don't start fights but know how to finish them, remember everything about people, but don't judge too quickly, don't show off your money, and don't borrow it or lend it either especially to your friends. But above all, be yourself.
Laertes: Thanks, Dad. I gotta go now. Bye, Ophelia, remember what I told you.
Ophelia: Okay, I will.
Polonius: Bye, son.

(Exit Laertes)

Polonius: What did he tell you?
Ophelia: Oh, nothing. It was just something about Hamlet.
Polonius: That's what I thought. I heard that he's been hitting on you, sending you poetry and all kinds of stuff. You don't understand these things. What's going on with you two. Tell me the truth.
Ophelia: He sent me letters of his, uh, affection.
Polonius: Affection! Oh, yeah, sure. You talk like a girl who's never been dumped. Do you believe these letters?
Ophelia: I don't know what I should think.
Polonius: Well, I'll tell you. You're just a baby. Don't think too much of these letters, they're not made out of silver of anything like that. You're above that clown. But don't believe your dumb old dad.
Ophelia: Well, he hasn't done anything wrong. He's sent me letters, just like he's supposed to. And he's made vows by everything in heaven, the moon and stars and all that. How could he be lying?
Polonius: Ha! Using words to catch girls, that happens all the time. Don't pay any attention to them, boys' words don't mean anything. I don't want you talking to Hamlet anymore, understand?
Ophelia: Yes, Dad.

Scene 4
The platform outside the castle.
(Enter Hamlet, Horatio, and Mercellus)

Hamlet: It's cold out here.
Horatio: No kidding.
Hamlet: What time is it?
Horatio: I think it's almost twelve.
Marcellus: No, it's already twelve.
Horatio: This was the time the ghost came before.

(Enter Ghost)

Hamlet: Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire! Whether you are bad or good, whether you are nice or mean, if you are evil or righteous, whether you are awful or...uh...not awful, I'll talk to you. I'll talk to because you look just like my dad. We already buried him, you know. But you look just like the man named Hamlet, the King of Denmark, my dad, dead for awhile now and buried and everything. Why would you come out of your grave an walk around at night, and use your bones that weren't being used anymore, and come walk in the moonlight under the stars and everything after you were already dead? Why would you come into the sight of us mortal people who would be scared out of our pants to see you and not even know what to think? All we can say is, "why is this, wherefore, who, what, when and how and what shall we do?"

(Ghost beckons Hamlet)

Horatio: I think it wants you to go with it.
Marcellus: That's for sure. But don't do it, man.
Horatio: Oh, no way. It's no good to follow ghosts and stuff.
Hamlet: If it's not gonna talk, I'll follow it. Maybe it will only talk when we're alone.
Horatio: Don't do it! You don't know where that thing's been. It might lead you off a cliff or off the deep end or something.
Hamlet: Let me go.
Horatio: You're not going.
Hamlet: If you all don't want to be ghosts yourselves, you better let me follow this one.

(Exit Ghost and Hamlet)

Horatio: He's nuts.
Marcellus: Let's follow him.
Horatio: I wonder what's going to happen next.
Marcellus: Something's fishy around here. Let's go.

Scene 5
Another part of the platform.
(Enter Ghost and Hamlet.)

Hamlet: I'm tired of walking. Tell me here.
Ghost: Listen to me.
Hamlet: Alright.
Ghost: You are going to want revenge after you hear this.
Hamlet: What?
Ghost: I'm the ghost of your dead father. I am doomed to walk the night and sit in fire during the day. The things I could tell you, boy! You wouldn't sleep for a week, but it's against the rules. But now, listen. If you ever loved your father -
Hamlet: Oh!
Ghost: You will avenge his murder.
Hamlet: Murder?
Ghost: Yes, that's what I said...murder.
Hamlet: Tell me quick, and I will fly as quick as thoughts of love - I will be just so incredibly fast in my revenge.
Ghost: The pig stole the heart of my lovely queen, the one I so rightly loved with all dignity. Who knew my most virtuous queen could get caught up with such trash...It makes me mad! Uh oh, well, anyway, I see the morning coming I have to be quick. One day when I was sleeping, in the garden, as was my habit everyday...while I was sleeping there, your uncle came and poured poison into my ears. A really gross acid like stuff that went all through my body and did icky stuff to my blood, all the blood in my whole body, and killed me. So, while I was sleeping my own brother came and took away my queen, my crown, and my life. He cut me off in middle of all my sins, so now I have to walk the night and spend the day in fire, all because of him, my brother, you uncle. O, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible! This is so not good. But don't do anything to your mother, we'll let heaven decide what should happen to her. Well, I have to get going, morning's coming. 'Bye Hamlet! Remember me!
Hamlet: Oh heaven! Oh earth! Oh fire, wind, water, heart! Don't go my bones, hold me up. Remember you? Oh poor ghost, as long as memory is still on earth. Remember you! If everything else, books, records, memories of youth, if everything else was erased what you have told me I will keep in the volumes of my brain forever. Oh mother! You horrible woman! And the villian uncle. He smiles. Some smiling villian in Denmark is smiling and a villian at the same time! So there you are uncle, now to keep my word. I'll remember!
Horatio (from within): Hamlet?
Marcellus (from within): Oh, Hamlet?
Horatio (from within): Ho, ho, Hamlet where are you?
Hamlet: Ho, ho yourself! I'm out here!

(Enter Marcellus and Horatio)

Marcellus: What's up, Hamlet?
Horatio: Yes, what news.
Hamlet: I know something you don't know.
Horatio: Good tell us.
Hamlet: No, you'll tell.
Horatio: I won't tell.
Marcellus: Me neither.
Hamlet: If there's a villian in Denmark, he's not nice.
Horatio: A ghost doesn't need to tell us that.
Hamlet: I didn't mean to offend you.
Horatio: No offense.
Hamlet: Oh but there is an offense, Horatio. A big one too. The honest ghost told me. You'll have to figure out what went on between us yourself. But, my friends, scholars, and soldiers, do me a favor. Dont' tell anybody about the ghost.
Horatio and Marcellus: Ok, we won't.
Hamlet: No, you have to swear you won't. Swear it on my sword.
Ghost (beneath): Swear.
Hamlet:  There you see! You better swear!
Horatio: What shall we swear?
Hamlet: To never tell anybody what you have seen. Swear it on my sword.
Ghost (beneath): Swear.
Hamlet: This guy's everywhere! We'll move. Now, swear it on my sword.
Ghost (beneath): Swear.
Hamlet: Wow, he can move pretty quick for a ghost. Let's move again.
Horatio: This is really starting to creep me out.
Hamlet: Weirder stuff goes on than you've ever dreamt about, Horatio. And after tonight I won't be surprised by anything because oh boy have I seen something really strange. But just remember don't tell anyone anything about tonight. Don't even say, "I could tell you something.." or "I might.." or "If I could speak.." you better not say any of that stuff or you'll need some help from heaven. That's what I'm telling you, so swear!
Ghost (beneath): Swear!
Hamlet: Calm down, ghost! If you guys never talk about this again, I'll be your friend forever. I'll do all kinds of stuff to show you how much I love you if you don't say anything about this to anyone. Drat that I was born and have to deal with this!

-End-

Credit where its due:
Hamlet by William Shakespeare
A Visit From St. Nicholas by Clement C. Moore
Cinderella by Charles Perrault
"Great Balls of Fire" by Jerry Lee Lewis
"The New Adventures of Captain Planet" The Captain Planet Foundation